FORGIVENESS - What it is and what it is not 

by Angie Witman, LCP, LCMFT

   I have found in working with my clients that many people have difficulty with forgiveness because they simply do not have a good understanding of what forgiveness entails and what it does not entail. One of the most often confused concepts is that many believe if they forgive someone, they have to trust that person again. However, this is simply not true. Forgiveness is to be granted and really can not be earned.

   God tells his people we are to forgive others - 77 times if necessary. "Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?' Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times but seventy-seven times.'" (Matthew 18:21-22 NIV) Now we understand "77 times" means unlimited.

   Trust, on the other hand, is earned and one would be naïve to simply grant trust to someone who does not deserve to be trusted. I have encountered clients who struggle with forgiving others because "they don't deserve it." Well they may not, but likewise, we did not deserve what Jesus did for us on the cross either, but He died on our behalf anyway because he loved us so much. Therefore, regardless of whether someone deserves our forgiveness, they deserve to be forgiven because we have been forgiven. "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." (Colossians 3:13 NIV)

   Additionally, forgiveness is commanded by God for his believers, but many people would prefer to treat this as a suggestion because it did not make the top ten list. Let's be honest, forgiving someone who has deeply and/or repeatedly hurt us can be very difficult and can feel almost impossible to take on. One must remember that forgiving does not mean you are excusing the person for what they have done or did not do. Even God does not do that. There are still consequences for offenses; Jesus allows us to experience those consequences even though He has forgiven us because He knows consequences will teach us far better than if we were let off the hook. Therefore, to hold someone accountable and to allow natural and logical consequences to occur for someone's offense does not mean you have not forgiven that person. Some of those consequences may include a loss of friendship or setting firm boundaries on how much time is spent with that person. Many people will also become stuck, thinking the person can not be forgiven until they apologize. However, waiting for an apology could result in a very long wait. What if that person does not even know they have offended you or what if they do not care? What if that person is gone? Maybe, they have moved on or have died. We did not apologize to Jesus before he died on the cross for our sins. Apologies are great and enable the forgiveness process to move along faster, but they are not required for us to do what we are to do.

   Many people confuse forgiveness with a feeling rather than an action. People will say, "I just don't feel very forgiving." But forgiveness is not a feeling. Rather it is a choice that results in an action that becomes a daily (perhaps hourly) process. I believe that if people are obedient to God's command to forgive, He will let their feelings align with the choice to forgive. In other words, positive or at least neutral feelings will replace the negative feelings that once were felt so strongly.

   When unforgiveness plagues someone, it is equivalent to drinking poison with the expectation that the poison will hurt the other person. Sounds absurd, huh? Yet that metaphor is more accurate than we would like it to be. Unforgiving people turn into angry, depressed, bitter people. The unforgiving heart robs its owner of life. This is exactly what Satan desires - to kill, steal, and destroy. "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy." (John 10:10a NIV)

   To forgive is liberating and allows you to be in control of your life rather than allowing someone else to control you. Forgiveness is a gift to the other person but even more of a gift to yourself. To realize what forgiveness is and is not will enable you to choose to be obedient to God by taking the action to pray to Jesus, asking Him to help you in the process of forgiving those who have hurt you and may still be hurting you. This will be an incredibly freeing experience and will bring you closer to Jesus, as you rely on His help to do for you what you can not do by yourself.   Jesus and forgiveness give back life. As John 10:10b (NIV) concludes, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

__________ _ _ _ __________

Angie Witman is a licensed clinical psychotherapist and a licensed clinical marriage and family therapist. She has worked for Meier Clinics in Goodland and Colby, Kansas, since 1998 and has been a counselor for nearly 20 years. She is also helping the military by accepting occasional assignments to deliver counseling services on military installations. She is married to Travis, a high school teacher and coach.  They have two children, a 16 year old son and a 9 year old daughter.